In Which Hollywood is Going to be all Over This

I recently learned from Cracked.com that there was an intense bidding war between studios for the rights to a Santa Origin Story Film. Apparently we have literally reached the end of creativity and as such, I have decided to toss my hat into the creativity cesspool that is the current Hollywood film industry. Oh, you think I’m being too harsh? Find me a blockbuster that was original content, not a reboot, not based off of classic literature with a twist. Basically, find me something that Michael Bay hasn’t had his greasy paws all over. (Sorry, Bay. I actually really enjoyed The Rock, for obvious reasons.)

So, Hollywood Producers. Eat your hearts out. The following film ideas are guaranteed to be brilliant successes:

  1. Okay, so there is this writer who finds a fancy calligraphy pen in an antique shop and begins to write amazing novels. But then the writer’s estranged lover is found dead with the pen in his/her neck and a threatening note written in elegant calligraphy on the wall in blood. Turns out it was the antique store owner who killed the lover. I have no idea why. We’ll just make the rest up after you write me a giant check.
  2. Don’t like the pen idea? No worries! This is a dramatic film following the struggles of an Irish family during the potato famine and a young girl who, in the grips of illness and starvation, creates an elaborate fantasy world in her mind based on the old Irish tales that her mother told her. Guaranteed to make people cry.
  3. No? How about an inspiring sports movie about a track and field champ who loses his/her legs in a car accident and takes to learning how to climb trees to see the track as people train. He or she becomes a world tree-climbing champion. I don’t care. That is totally a thing.
  4. How about an ensemble piece about a group of lonely artists who join a chat room and begin to collaborate on the largest art piece they can think of that pops up around the world? Only one of them dies in a car accident and the whole group is split on the meaning of the piece and ultimately they still go through with it and you can see it from space or something like that. Whatever.
  5. A rip-roaring family comedy about a father with a drinking problem, a mother with insomnia, a daughter who has taken to collecting dead animals and a brother with autism. This particular one follows the grandparents that have come to stay for a holiday and eventually realize the impact their lives have had on everyone around them. PS: The grandpa has a heart attack and dies in the middle of the night, but the family is totally cool with it because he made peace with his loved ones. I guess that’s more of a black comedy. Maybe the grandma reconnects with an old lover of hers afterwards.
  6. What about a sci-fi movie about a pharmaceutical company that is producing the cure-all and hoarding it for only the very best members of society? The lower crust of society begins to explore the company’s rationale and ultimately discovers that the cure-all is, I don’t know, actually just… maybe dirt?
  7. Speaking of dirt. How does this suit you? A scientist obsessed with the rising levels of acidity of dirt in his local farmland area begins to explore a conspiracy related to the dumping of chemical waste. Sounds a little Erin Brokovitch. Hm, maybe he is assassinated by the company in the end and his land is repossessed to become a new Chemical Storage Facility. That would be a downer. Starring Hugh Jackman.
  8. Another family based story, this time about a dissipating family who finds common grounds in listening to a weekly radio comedy show a la Garrison Keillor or Stuart McLean. After the parents divorce, the youngest child gets on a bus and goes to find the radio show, ends up on the air. Family reconnects but parents still get divorced but years later they still gather to listen to the show every week.
  9. A door to door salesman is trying to save up to buy his wife the newest version of a vacuum cleaner, thinking she really needs it to be happy. In reality, she is having an affair with a poolboy because her husband is always away selling vacuums door to door.
  10. A young woman pursues the fate of her brother, a soldier in the military, after he goes missing overseas. Unravels a huge conspiracy involving a secret weapons compound and genetically engineered robot soldiers. Also she has this fear of birds and there are robot birds.
  11. An orphan child creates a magical world in which to escape into and antics ensue.
  12. Robots. More robots. Humans versus robots. And… and in the future people that have had metal inserted into their bodies for hips and things can not be part of either the humans or the robots and our main character is recruited by a rebellion trying to take down the robots (because the robots are humanoid so they can’t tell jack shit or something. I don’t know. Whatever.) And the half-metal person realizes that the robots just want to live normally like in every other robot movie.
  13. Kids film – The Worst Hippo. The Worst Hippo tries to be a hippo but hates the water. Tries to be a monkey, can’t climb trees. Tries to be a cat, hates balls of yarn. You see the pattern here.

I’m not saying they’re all blockbuster material, but you have to admit, the hippo one has possibilities!

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