As a soon-to-be graduated Communications student, I am constantly on the lookout for potential employment opportunities. Given last weeks quick dismissal of Jian Ghomeshi from the CBC, I thought it prudent to get my hat into the ring for his job as soon as possible. As always, I do it in the form of an open letter.
Dear Producers of CBC’s Radio Talk Show Q,
It’s been a rough week for you folks over there in radio land. With Ghomeshi’s apparent evolution into a sexually promiscuous Mewtwo (who, I assume, is now being utilized by Team Rocket for nefarious purposes), the future of Q as Canada’s go-to radio show is in jeopardy. But never fear, Producers of Q, because I am here to make you the offer of a lifetime.
I can replace Ghomeshichu as the host of Q. I know, I know, a nobody Communications student from Calgary. What could she possibly offer the people of Canada as far as a moderate radio host personality goes? How could she possibly achieve Ghomeshisaur like stardom, thus ensuring the longevity of radio broadcasting and our beloved National Public Broadcaster? Well, let me tell you something, Producers of Q. I am your woman, and I aim to prove it to you.
First off, I have experience on the radio. I was recently on CBC Radio 1 to discuss Misogyny in gaming with David Gray. It was a brilliant experience, and I didn’t swear once. I nearly said tits, but managed to catch myself at the last moment. This self-censoring is clearly integral in a quality radio host. If you hire me to be the new host of Q I can guarantee that your listeners will never hear the phrases boner farts, quiche mongerer, or Senior-Poop-For-Brains come out of my mouth. I cannot, however, guarantee that I won’t refer to people I dislike as a dumb-dumb. It may seem pedantic and elementary, but I guarantee that when I say it, it has a certain endearing quality.
Secondly, I will provide my own lumbar pillow. We all know that radio work means a lot of sitting, and the best way to avoid workplace injuries and those nasty worker’s comp forms is to ensure comfort and health for everyone involved. You won’t have to worry about me going on medical leave for lower back stress, no sirree. With that in mind, you should probably take a moment to educate yourself with this particular post.
Speaking of things I’ve written before, my own particular brand of off humor, satire, and moderate beliefs makes me the perfect individual to provide unique insight into the daily lives of Canadians. Let’s face it, when we try to make a top five list of Things That Define Canada, sense of humor usually falls around #3 or #4. I am the embodiment of Canadian humor.
But an endearing personality and rip-roaring sense of Canadianness is not the only thing required to be successful on CBC radio. Let’s take a look at the last five songs on my randomized playlist:
Alright by Pilot Speed
Your Ex-Lover is Dead by Stars
Cicadas and Gulls by Feist
Okay, wait before I go on, this is a fluke. I actually have a huge array of music and I certainly didn’t intend for them to all be Canadian. Hold on, let me randomize it again.
Samba by Ludovico Einaudi
There we go, modern piano. See, eclectic! And behind door number 5….
The Lion’s Roar by First Aid Kit
I’m also a fan of Tom Waits and Hawksley Workman. Basically, basically what I’m getting at is that I’ll listen to anything. I’m a music nerd.
For all these reasons and more I would be an excellent radio host. But what about how I interact with other people? What sort of co-worker would I be to those who have ensured the survival of Q for so long?
Will I eat an entire bowl of garlicy hummus before interviewing the Governor General? Never.
Would I eat Susan’s gluten-free lunch that she brought specially from home because cutting gluten from her diet makes her feel so good? Of course not!
Will I have to be cornered by the secretary before I unwillingly sign the birthday card for inter, whose name I never actually learned? Naw.
Will I bring shame to CBC on an international scale, providing endless amounts of scandal for the hawks at The Star to sink their teeth into while drawing attention to the outrageous treatment I have delivered to the opposite gender? It’s highly unlikely.
Will I take part in wacky shirt Friday? Always.
Will I sue the CBC? Heck no, my Canadian Media and Culture class taught me the value of our National Broadcaster. I appreciate you, CBC. You and I, we have a long history of getting along together.
I understand we’re all still reeling from the loss of our starter pokemon, Ghomeshitoise, but much like brilliant Eevee, Q must go through an evolution in order to maximize its potential in the next stages of the game. Trust me, CBC – I am just the Communication Stone you need for the job.
With much sincerity (and a bit of hilarity),
Kathleen Sawisky, Esq.