Open Letter, Satire

An Open Letter to Dr. Jack Wolfenstei- Wolfse-Wolfesa- Urgh, that dude who is against vaccines

Dear “Doctor” Wolfson,

I can’t begin to thank you for your recent interview on CNN about the measles outbreak in California and the toddler with leukaemia who is now at risk. You see, for many years I have been struggling to understand what exactly defines a ‘doctor’. I was letting myself define it by people who were educated, understood human anatomy, had a basic grasp of science, and most importantly took the Hippocratic Oath to heart. In that he or she, as a human being, had a heart (both organ and metaphorical) and understood their duty to members of the public whom they serve. As doctors.

But your recent interview really helped clear the air. Specifically the lines “My child is pure” and “It is not my responsibility to protect their child”.

In your defence, maybe when CNN came to interview you, you assumed they were interviewing Jack Wolfenstein the man and not the Doctor. That’s an easy enough mistake to make. It’s not like you bring your work home with you. It’s not like if you saw a man bleeding in the streets during your lunch hour, which, by the way, you absolutely should get paid for, you would stop to help him. No, screw that guy. There’s a tuna melt with your name on it, and neither storm nor God will stand in the way of-

Wait, shit, does tuna still have mercury in it? Well, so much for lunch!

Anyways, I’m really glad you clarified that it is not your job to look after/protect other people’s children because, ha ha, I was under the impression (oh my god, you’re going to laugh when you read this), I was under the impression that it is your job, as a medical professional, to heal people and provide individuals with medical care no matter what their station in life… But yeah, no, I guess that is confusing. Just to be certain, I looked up the modern Hippocratic Oath, recreated here for your benefit:

I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

I will respect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.

I will apply, for the benefit of the sick, all measures which are required, avoiding those twin traps of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.

I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon’s knife or the chemist’s drug.

I will not be ashamed to say “I know not,” nor will I fail to call in my colleagues when the skills of another are needed for a patient’s recovery.

I will respect the privacy of my patients, for their problems are not disclosed to me that the world may know. Most especially must I tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, all thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great humbleness and awareness of my own frailty. Above all, I must not play at God.

I will remember that I do not treat a fever chart, a cancerous growth, but a sick human being, whose illness may affect the person’s family and economic stability. My responsibility includes these related problems, if I am to care adequately for the sick.

I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm.

If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.

Just in case you missed it, let me help you out here: I will prevent disease whenever I can, for prevention is preferable to cure.

Haha, holy shit, am I right? Go figure. I mean, I thought that was the point of vaccines, but, shit, yeah, no I can see why ‘purity’ is somehow something to strive for. By the way, in regards to vaccines, how do you feel about the ebola vaccine trials, or rabies vaccines? I mean, we don’t want to ‘pollute’ your ‘pure’ children. God forbid they go poking an irate raccoon or shoving bat feces into their mouths, but you never know, right? Crazy shit happens all the time.

Like how Alexander Fleming accidentally discovered penecilin. That was a lucky bre- oo, sorry, shit, I forgot. Yeah, well, no that’s fine. I’m sure you and your kids will be fine without it. Especially given how rarely you yourself will be exposed to viruses and bacteria now that you have come forward as a vaccine refuser. I bet your schedule has opened right up, and that’s just great for you! More time at home with your strangely translucent children and their clean little fingernails.

But yeah, I mean, this interview with you just cleared it all up. healing the sick, preventative medicine, etcetc. What a load of bollocks! Just out of curiosity, will a leech help my anemia or make it worse? I only ask because I definitely don’t want to start taking vitamins. Urgh, all those unnatural ingredients compiled together, combined into tiny pills for human consumption? FDA tested? Give me a break. What does the FDA know about ‘health’ and ‘medicine’ and ‘basic elementary school science’? Probably not a lot, I’m willing to bet that.

Speaking of archaic forms of medicine that have no place in the modern world, should I start really paying attention to the ingredients in food I eat? I usually try to aim for low-fat stuff, just to be safe, but, like, what about cookies and oreos and crackers and cheese and milk. Oh my god! Should I start eating and drinking unpasturized dairy? I’d hate to think what goes into that to make it safe for basic human consumption.

You know what, fuck it. I’m going out to get some of those essence of placenta drops. I’m not going to make it through the year if I don’t start purifying myself from all toxicities now. Thank god, for you, “Doctor” Wolfram-alpha, Without your basic lack of morals and ethics I would never have been able to come to these conclusions. I bet when I was in the hospital getting my spine physically altered by a man of ‘science’ and ‘medicine’ (pft, yeah right) I was probably getting pumped full of drugs to help me survive. What an idiotic decision on my part!

You’ll never understand, Dr. Wolverine, the amazing impact you have had on my life, and the lives of those around you. Your decision to not honour the Hippocratic oath will impact those around you from now until the day we all die  you die. You will be forever remembered as Dr. Jack WorldofWarCraft, the ‘Doctor’ who believed in racial purity and the concern for his own family first and foremost. I have learned so much from you, I can’t even begin to express it all.

Most Sincerely,

Kathleen Sawisky

Dr. WolfofWallstreeet can be seen below

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