An Open Letter to Jon Stewart: “Nuuuuuuuuhhh *helpless weeping*”
Dear Jon Stewart,
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nu-uh. Nope. Honey bunches of nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not possible. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no. Not happening, this is not happening. No, I refuse. Nope. No. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no. Nu-uh, nope.
Hold on. I need to calm down. Deep breaths, Kathleen. You can do this. You got this, girl. You’re strong. Okay. Just breathe.
Nope. Still don’t believe it. Nopenopenopenopenopenopenope.
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe you’re retiring. Okay, yeah, sure, you’ve gotten a little more grey hairs over the year, and yeah, maybe those wrinkles are a good place to store dried saltine crumbs for a snack later on in the day, but no, no, you sir, are not allowed to retire. On behalf of everyone in my generation I am afraid I must decline your retirement announcement.
What are we supposed to do, Jon? What do you expect us to do? We just lost Colbert. Do you realize what this is going to do to us? We aren’t ready for this! You could have eased us into it, you know? You could have just gone off to film another movie and left Samantha Bee in charge and just never come back. Do you have any idea what you’ve done?
Oh and don’t give me that nonsense about ‘enjoying time with your family’ and ‘commitments to other projects’. Educating America is your commitment, and we are your family. You just heading off into the sunset like this is unacceptable in every possible way and I will not stand for it. I can’t lose another one, Jon! Do you understand? I can’t lose another one.
Besides, you- you barely look a day over 40! Honest! That ticker of yours is going to keep going forever because that is how long we need you to provide us the worst news in the best way possible! Who else will we turn to? John Oliver only does his shtick once a week, and yeah, sure, he gets to swear a lot and that’s great, but he’s also British and I only get 60% of his humor. And are you telling me you can find someone to replace you who is as good as the deadpan stare as you – because you can’t.
No. Nope. Nope. Nope. No. Not possible.
Do you want a raise? Is that it? Listen, I have no money but I will start selling my organs if that’s what it takes. I only need one kidney and I’ve been working with a gammy lung for long enough that I’m sure I’ll be fine if they want to sell it.
Just tell us what you want, Jon. Tell us and we will make it happen!
I mean, flip, it’s not like we just get to hang out and be all buddy-buddy with people like you and Colbert on a daily basis. Your form of comedy gives us access to a whole other world that we mere peasants can never hope to enter. By taking that away you have effectively caused the complete and utter destruction of my generation’s culture. How does that feel, Jon? Do you feel good, ruining an entire generation? I hope you do.
Oh god, I can’t handle this.
It’s not fair, man. It’s just not fair. You made a commitment to America, to my generation. And besides, as a Canadian I have zero interest in American politics except when you’re talking about them! No offense, but American news is super depressing and pretty raunchy most of the time! If it’s not being delivered to me with a pithy comment and a wry smirk how can I be expected to digest it? I’m not ready for a world where I have to consume such fatty news!
I’m not ready for a world without you, Jon…
No, I understand. I get it. Just… Just go. If you were here I would lightly toss a rock at you to convince you to run because inappropriately timed comedy is the only way I am going to make it through this dark, dark time.
Goodbye, Jon. Goodbye.
(In all sincerity, I am deeply distressed at you retiring, but also so happy for all the times you made the ineffectual nature of American Politics the butt of a well-crafted joke. Whoever takes over your seat –as none could replace you- had better master that deadpan look of shock.)
Kathleen Sawisky, esq.