Random, Satire

All Hail the Mighty Soapbox

This is my soapbox. That’s why I write open letters wherein I complain to people, places, things. Basically any noun that really grinds my gears. On very few occasions have I ever found myself so truly enraged by something that I felt the need to take it to the streets. Nope, the good ol’ written word is fine with me.

Calgary Expo ran into some issues on its first day today wherein a booth put up a Pro Gamer Gate banner. Now, there are always two sides to the story, but as I have wondered many times, why does a group that insists it stands for ethics in gaming journalism use the title of a group of people that is equated to the harassment of women? I’ve heard it is because they want to stand their ground, that they aren’t their title. This is true, and noble in its own way. My big question has always been “is this the hill you want to die on? Are you so passionate about the term ‘Gamer Gate’ that you are okay with your actual cause being ignored in favor of the attention ‘Gamer Gate’ gets for its bad apples?” No one has ever given me a satisfactory answer.

I guess I just think that when you are passionate about something enough to start a movement, you should probably throw that energy into the movement and not something as simple as the title.

But, that being said, who am I to judge? I just like playing games. That’s it. I don’t care if people are paying for reviews. I usually just go by what looks visually enticing.

But man, some people out there are passionate. They will go so far as to send abusive tweets to anyone with a dissenting opinion. I don’t have the time or energy to deal with that, so I thought maybe it would be a good idea to compile a list of views I hold and just get them all out there in the open so that way people who disagree with my views can clearly understand that I am their mortal enemy and begin their process of destroying me. This is for both of us, gang. It’s going to speed up the anger process for you so you can get on with your day, and it gives me the chance to relentlessly make fun of how seriously we all take ourselves.

Are you ready? I am. Okay, here it goes.

A list of Things That Really Annoy Me and Thereby Make Me a Terrible Person for Disliking

  1. Gamer Gate. That was a given.
  2. Rye Whiskey. Whisky? No, you know what? I am just generally annoyed that I have to remember which version has an ‘e’ in it. Who has time for that?
  3. Fake Hollandaise Sauce. Any restaurant that makes their eggs benny sauce with pre-packaged crap is probably just a front for some sort of money laundering operation.
  4. My spine.
  5. People who say ‘decal’ like ‘deckle’. It’s ‘dee-cal’. And while we’re at it, ‘foyer’ is not ‘foy-er’. It’s foy-eh’. Peons.
  6. Anything fake grape flavored.
  7. People who view the world only in black and white. Also annoyed by people with specific red/green colorblindness.
  8. People who think it is okay to turn any occasion into some sort of political statement or platform. You know, sometimes a parade can just be a parade.
  9. Dogs that knock me over.
  10. People who think Nickelback is a good band. Or a band at all.
  11. Shoe stores that think they are so special and when you walk in with muddy boots they look at you like you are the spawn of Satan. One day I will be able to afford your shoes, Arnold Churgin. When that day comes I will go to Payless and buy a ridiculous pair of pumps from them.
  12. White rice. I’m just more of a wild rice sort of girl, you know?
  13. Racism. It stinks and there is never any excuse for it. We live in the 21st Century, people. Get over your stupid issues and move on with your life.
  14. The people on Twitter who keep complaining about the Hey Ash creators making social statement with their videos. Listen, if you have an issue with them producing their work the way they want to then stop watching it. Why are you still watching it if you don’t like it? And while you’re at it, lay off the Anthony Burch hate. I don’t know where it comes from but the guy is hilarious and I wish he was my friend.
  15. Anyone who takes themselves too seriously (See: #1). This includes some of the people I see on certain writing websites. You’d think they were crafting gold out of donkey urine with how super serious all topics need to be all the time. Just relax! It’s okay to have a laugh or two!
  16. The music community of Kelowna, BC. You could be included in #16, but you folks are just so damn intense about your music that I figured you deserve your own category. I started singing when I was 8 and every year I was in the Kiwanis Music Festival I was brought to tears because I knew there was no way to compete with the kids with the stage parents and their teachers (who may or may not live their lives with firecrackers up their bums). Take a chill pill, read a book, join an intermural sports team. Do something outside of music.
  17. Beer snobs. I get it, some beers are good, like Canadian beers. Some beers are bad, like mainstream American beers (If you have to put ‘platinum’ in the title to make yourself feel special, you are probably a mainstream beer.) But, you know, I think you need to be open and accepting of all types of beer at the end of the day. Unless it is made from arsenic and cyanide, it probably won’t hurt you.
  18. People that Rage Quit. Stop it. None of us are impressed by you.
  19. People that think they are absolutely, unequivocally right in whatever area they are arguing. You also need to stop because, hey, you aren’t. No one is. We do not live in a vacuum! Life is multifaceted and there are numerous possibilities!
  20. No one believes you, so just stop.
  21. Same goes for you, pyramid schemes.
  22. Professors who tell us that ‘studies have shown…’ laptop use in the classroom is bad for our learning. We all know it, none of us care. Why, you ask? Because you give us so many notes and very limited time to write it all down, or you talk too fast, or because some of us actually do remember when we write it down. You know, multifaceted and all that jazz.
  23. Any extreme of any form, anywhere, at all, ever. Think about the thing you are the most passionate about. Got it? Okay, now think the opposite. Someone out there thinks the opposite, and they are not bad people, they simply have a different opinion. That’s okay.
  24. Pens that don’t dry fast enough and then smudge. Oh man, I hate those so much.
  25. Anyone who didn’t get the joke in #7.
  26. People that jokingly ask if they can have some of my drugs. No, no you can’t. You know why? Because you don’t need them. I can’t believe I am phrasing it this way, but I earned my right to take morphine, and I am not sharing.
  27. The guy who is dating my little sister. I will find you. I will destroy you.
  28. Any guys who may date my little sister in the future.
  29. The court system that will inevitably sentence me to prison after I destroy the various men who date my little sister in the future.
  30. The current Alberta Conservative Government, but also the Wild Rose Party.
  31. Clive Cussler. What? You know it was coming.
  32. Anyone who backseats Backseat gamers, drivers, readers, chefs. If I am doing something and you are telling me what to do when I have not explicitly asked for help and/or you are not my career-related superior, you can just go away.
  33. People who think Candide is a comedy. Oh, it is a satire, I’ll grant you that. But there is nothing funny about it.
  34. The morons at University of Calgary who failed to see the value in the Communication and Culture classes and have since removed them as mandatory requirements for Comms Degrees. You have made a critical mistake and following this year there will be an influx of Communications students who won’t understand the value of rational and critical thought. Bravo.
  35. People that think it is cool to take up all the room on the train/bus. You suck. Move your stupid backpack. I hate you.
  36. People that think it is cool to do personal grooming on the train/bus. I hate you too.
  37. That passive aggressive neighbor on the ground floor who thought it was okay to do their own renovations on their condo without consulting their direct neighbors who share their walls.
  38. People that like to remember the 90’s that were born in 1999.
  39. People that like to remember any decade as if it was somehow better that any other decade. Do you hear yourselves? Do you?
  40. Mantoids.

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