My Fellow Albertans,
The polls are open in Alberta, and to save you both time and aggravation, I feel it prudent to make my announcement ahead of the officially polling day.
I, people of Alberta, your noble Integrity Commissioner for the City of Calgary, am your new Premier.
I know, I know. You’re thinking What party were you running for? And Do you actually know anything about politics? And Your background is so shady that even crab grass won’t grow under your feet. How can you be our new Premier?
To which I answer, with a history like that how can I not be your new Premier? I am not naturally a corrupt individual, and I tend to be careful about what I say and how I say it, but I am willing to change to ensure that you, the people of Alberta, are eased into the new Dystopian Future which I have in store for you. I will be a benevolent dictator, off-handedly suggesting in only the most subtle ways about my intentions for future grabs at power. I will candidly remark about how difficult this job is, and how someone has to make the tough decisions that you regular peons are clearly not capable of making.
Even without having placed a single toe into the pool of swill that is provincial politics, I can guarantee I am probably almost overqualified for the position of Premier. I have zero ability to manage money, but I’m willing to pretend to woo you into a false sense of security. We’re Alberta! We’re going to be fine! Canada needs us.
As for those job cuts? Shit, I don’t know. Have you tried going back to school? I mean, trades are fine, but maybe you should do something else with your life?
(I have spent several months learning how to not give a single shit about anyone else. I almost gave a shit about someone who counldn’t buy their coffee at the university the other day, but in the end I decided to point and laugh at the poor kid. It was a close call.)
All the mirrors in my house are covered because, let’s face it, mirrors show the faces of evil. Which would be you. The people voting for me.
You see? I have zero respect for you, your opinions, and your struggles!
I was made for this job.
As for morals and ethics? Pfft, let me tell you, I will believe whatever you want me to believe in order to get your vote. Religion? I’m not married to the idea. Gay Marriage? Sure, maybe, yes, no, who cares! Abortion? What a woman does with her body is her choice alone but also my choice and the right of all the rest of you to decide and judge her in the court of public opinion. But only if she doesn’t speak up to defend herself. You see? No morals! Not a one!
You want me to be your Premier because I can give you exactly what you want but also disappoint you bitterly when your confidence in my government is already waning to pathetic levels.
Do I care about the environment? Do you want me to care about the environment?
How do I feel about vaccines? How should I feelabout vaccines?
Because when it comes right down to it, I believe as a Premier it is my job to navigate the murky waters of politics using my strongest feature. No, not my surgically reinforced spine. I mean my feelings. I feel stuff so hardcore, guys. I mean, I stubbed my toe the other day and it was like a hundred young Bruce Wayne’s all crying in the back alleys of operas at once. It was painful, but it also acted as a very serious, completely un-mockable metaphor for the struggles of every Albertan out there. Except the poor ones. And anyone who isn’t white. And anyone who doesn’t work in the oil industry. But let me tell you, if you are a white, rich, oil-lovin’ Albertan, I am the Premier for you.
Not that it matters because I have already declared myself to be such and I am certain that the polls will reflect that as the best decision for the people of our glorious, but not hauty, province.
Now, on to the issue of what Party I am the leader of. I have given it lots of thought. Wild Rose is obviously a strong candidate, but only because the PC’s are currently being compared to Beelzebub and all his dancing, frothing minions. On the other hand, I find that Wild Rose is so right at times that it actually becomes left, and I’m not sure I can work with such a wibbly-wobbly attitude.
I could possibly reform the PC’s, perhaps offer some flowers and chocolates to make up for the royal buggering that Jim “I am a Vampire and Can’t See My Own Reflection in a Mirror” Prentice put everyone through. If I, say, cut the salaries of government workers and put that money towards our deficit in order to return funding to education, infrastructure, and health care would that help? Just a thought. It’s not like I need a lot of money myself.
Then there is the Alberta Party which, I presume, stands for… ssssomething? Never mind. Let’s not even go there.
I’m quite fond of the NDP’s, but I feel like so few of my clothes are orange and I don’t want to go out and buy an entire new wardrobe to match all the other members.
What about the Green Party? Never given a fair shake, concerned about the environment, possibly enjoying a joint or two on the side. Who am I to judge? I’m high during 87% of my daily interactions. Then again, this is Canada and we don’t care about the environment.
I guess I must be replacing Jim “Hiss! The Sunlight!” Prentice, which is fine because quite frankly his rhetoric leaves a little something to be desired, as does his haircut, and a Premier should be nothing if not classy and also not a fabled Victorian-era monster who preys on virgins and sleeps in a coffin that is sprinkled with dirt from his homeland.
You see, Alberta. I’ve got your back. I also have this string of garlic cloves, this cross (totally not religious though), this bottle of holy water, and this wooden stake. I also have Sarah Michelle Geller on speed-dial, because you never know when the Premier, who you assumed was a simple vampire, turns out to be the reincarnation of the Master.
Now, it is still your democratic right to vote for the candidate that will work for you, or the candidate who is most unlikely to be a werewolf. I would, however, urge you to consider that a vote for Kathleen Sawisky, 2015, is a vote for Freedom, Oil/Gas, Fresh Fruit, and also Whatever Else You Like That I Totally Like as Well.
Kathleen Sawisky esq.
Integrity Commissioner/Alberta Premier