Bored Baking – Episode 3: Puncha Yo Buns Coconut Lime Loaf

Day 1,254: Still Unemployed. The morale of the troops is beginning to wane. I presume this has something to do with the $68 dollars in the bank account and the fact that one can only replay Borderlands 2 so many times.

Plus side, today I located an online food calculator which tells me just how awful these homemade delicacies are for my gullet. Assuming one gets 12 servings from a pan, you can expect to consume roughly 166 calories per serving of Puncha Yo Buns loaf. Why Puncha Yo Buns? As my friend Shawna pointed out, I was wearing an Adventure Time tee-shirt while baking them. The name just makes sense.

Here we go, folks. Bored Baking, Episode 3: Puncha Yo Buns Coconut Lime Loaf!

  1. Acknowledge the presence of the loneliest garlic.
This is the highlight of my day. Everything else goes downhill from here.

This is the highlight of my day. Everything else goes downhill from here.

2. Having acknowledge the garlic, it is now your responsibility to go out and beat up a variety of evil witches until they give you the following goods, or you are arrested. Either or.

  • 1.5 cups flour
  • 3/4 cups white sugar
  • 3 eggs
  • 1/2 cup butter
  • 1/2 heaping cup of sour cream
  • 1/3 cup coconut milk. Regular stuff, unsweetened. None of this ‘lite’ nonsense.
  • 1 cup unsweetened coconut shavings or scrapings. Whatever you’d call it.
  • juice of 1.5 limes
  • zest of 1 lime
  • 1 teaspoon of baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract. Or however much you want. I don’t care. I’m not your supervisor.
Full disclosure:  I had to kill a man in Reno to get those eggs.

If I were, I would wonder why you were spending all your time baking instead of making those debt collection calls, which is your job.

3. Now that you’d gathered your ingredients and, I assume, painted your face in the recommended ritual calf’s blood, you’re going to want to toss that butter and sugar into your mixer.

Don't forget to chant the incantation from page six of the Enchiridion over the mixer while it is on.

Don’t forget to chant the incantation from page sixty-seven of the Enchiridion over the mixer while it is on.

4. Now toss in however much vanilla you want. It doesn’t matter. You can never have too much vanilla. That is a proven fact.

I mean, it hasn't been proven by any actual sources, per say...

I mean, it hasn’t been proven by any actual sources or professionals, per say…

5.  Blend it until it is all creamy and smells distinctly like the enticing perfume of the local harpies. Try to resist the urge to prostrate yourself in front of the mixer.

Self-restraint is the key to all incantations and/or recipes.

Self-restraint is the key to all incantations and/or recipes.

6. Now toss in your eggs. If you can’t get your hands on Mock Turtle eggs, hen’s eggs will do just fine. Make sure they were taken from the hen under the light of a pregnant moon. Blend it.

Mock Turtle eggs are what Giada recommends. Who am I to disagree?

Mock Turtle eggs are what Giada recommends. Who am I to disagree?

7. Add your sour cream. If you were unable to milk the brown spotted cow required for the recipe yourself, store-bought sour cream will work in a pinch.

Store bought? It's like you're not even trying anymore.

Store bought? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore.

8. Add the lime zest and coconut. Now, I know what you’re thinking. Here comes some ridiculous requirement, like the limes have to be cross-bred with an antelope and only picked during the second Thursday of the month. Nope. Just some regular old limes that have been imbued with the spirit of Mrs. Topechka.

It isn't a proper recipe if the ghostly presence of a Ukrainian pioneer isn't involved.

It isn’t a proper recipe if the ghostly presence of a Ukrainian pioneer isn’t involved.

9. Blend that.

What, you allergic to scraping the sides of the mixer? Amateur.

What, you allergic to scraping the sides of the mixer? Amateur.

10. Add your coconut milk and keep blending.

This recipe also works for lining the bottom of any small rodent's cage.

This recipe also works for lining the bottom of any small rodent’s cage.

11. Now toss in the flour. Blend it a bit. Scrape those sides. Recite the incantation from the Egyptian book of the dead, and add your baking soda.

Having finally learned the difference between baking soda and baking powder, I can say, without a doubt, baking soda is much better when attempting black magic in order to gain mystical powers so one might defeat the Lich.

Having finally learned the difference between baking soda and baking powder, I can say, without a doubt, baking soda is much better when attempting black magic in order to gain mystical powers so one might defeat the Lich.

12. If your mixture doesn’t start looking fluffy as hell at this point, you may have to add more Griffin’s Blood. Otherwise, spread it into your greased pan.

Yes, now repeat after me. Bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, beeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaars.

Yes, now repeat after me. Bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, bears, beeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaars.

13. Bake at 350 for 30 minutes. You must not move from in front of the stove, lest the magic be lost. Then, when your copy of the Enchiridion is inserted in the center and comes out clean, you know it is ready.

This is not the oddest recipe I have ever been asked to make.

This is not the oddest recipe I have ever been asked to make.

Now you are free to enjoy it. However, you will have limited time to consume it and have the Cosmic Owl guide you through your dreams, so make sure you only eat it right before bed. After all, it’s only 166 calories per serving. It won’t kill you.

Or will it?

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