An Open Letter to Ken King and the People of Calgary: “Can I interest you in KathleenNOW?”

Dear Mr. King,

What joy! What glory! What a day! Your introduction of the CalgaryNEXT project, as well as the financial requirements from the people of Calgary in the form of taxation to fund your glorious megalith project slash homage to commercial greed is, without a shadow of a doubt, the single most HI-larious thing that could have been announced this week, followed very closely by the discovery of a colony of anthropomorphic dogs on Mars who exist for the full purpose of reciting Shakespeare.

Unfortunately, our willingness to see a public tax to fund a private construction is limited, as is our willingness to see city land donated to your cause as well as cleaned on the city’s dime. Again, for your cause. and bravo in suggesting a new tax on ticket sales as well. Not only do you alienate the general citizens, but also the fans who might have potentially been willing to put up with an extra tax to see the CalgaryNEXT project gain traction. I’m sure they will love being taxed not once, but twice. It’s for the love of the game, you will cry. Nay, they will reply. For my children do require orthodontics and suffer from scurvy. Alas, poor hockey. I knew ye well.

On the other hand, I’m glad that someone finally took the leap to ask the public for complacency in ‘donating’ time, money, and land. You see, for many years I have been carefully crafting how best to get people to donate money and stuff to me in order for me to live the extravagant life I have always deserved. Mr. King, may I present to you…

By supporting KathleenNOW you get the satisfaction of knowing I will get a mansion and a T-Rex sooner rather than later.
By supporting KathleenNOW you get the satisfaction of knowing I will get a mansion and a T-Rex sooner rather than later.

Yes, KathleenNow, a pilot project wherein you, Ken King, give me, Kathleen Sawisky, the stuff that I want now. A parrot? Now! A basket of kittens? Now! A large mansion with a fantastic wine cellar that I will turn into a ball pit? Right-freaking-now!

I know what you’re thinking. Kathleen, you are a private citizen. I get absolutely no benefit from giving you kittens or ball pits or money. Why would I want to give you anything if you don’t offer me anything in return? 

Excellent question, says I! You see, as an average member of this community I have never accomplished anything of worth, nor have I any skills to offer which might improve upon the community. I am, however, a person with potential, and that potential is most certainly worth investing in.

You’re probably concerned that you will be asked to foot the bill for my Flaming Lizard Mansion and Spa, but I want to assure you that through careful drunken calculations I have been able to determine just what financial I contributions I will require from you, Ken King, in order to complete my many unnecessarily elaborate plans.

Ha-HA! Witless rubes.
Ha-HA! Witless rubes.

As you can see from my carefully crafted pie-chart, the majority of the funding will come from my time as a career-criminal. While the thievery will generally involve banks and/or jewelry stores, I do also have several ponzi schemes which I will implement. 31% of funding will come directly from you, Mr. King. Because I asked you. 18% from tourists who will sign my petition for the Deaf and Blind and then be left with no choice but to give me money when I demand it from them. the 39% ticket tax may seem a bit high, but the value of my time cannot be downplayed. Finally, the witless rubes of Calgary will cough up 27% through elevated taxes. You may be thinking to yourself, “Hey! This doesn’t add up to 100%”, to which I reply, “No, you don’t add up to 100%.” You can’t place a percentage on the value of KathleenNOW. KathleenNOW is the pinnacle of quality Kathleenness.

I know there are probably some concerns about where the funds raised for KathleenNOW will be going, so I’d like to direct you to the following list. By allowing me to siphon your carefully saved money which is going to come in very handy during our current recession, you will allow the following to happen:

  • I will purchase an uber mansion with a golden bidet that only sprays lemon water. The lemons will be imported directly from wherever the hell lemons come from.
  • I will be able to hire scientists who will be able to finally replicate dinosaur DNA, thus allowing me to have the T-Rex I always wanted. They will then splice that DNA with some sort of tiny animal DNA so my T-Rex will only be pre-teen size, thus preventing any dangerous Jurassic Park 3 incidents. Probably.
  • I will pay off my student loans in their entirety using only small bags of dimes and quarters. I will video tape the reaction.
  • I will buyout Stephen Harper and get him to just stop.
  • The same goes for Donald Trump.
  • I will purchase several large bouncy castles and distribute them throughout the community.
  • I will buy air conditioning for our condo.
  • I will design and build my own adventure theme park based entirely around the Tom Waits’ album, Rain Dogs.

These are just a few of the marvelous additions that I will be able to make to my life thanks to the KathleenNOW project. I am currently in talks with an architect to design more elaborate buildings which can be utilized as laser-tag facilities.

There is always the argument that public funds ought to go towards public ventures. While this is, of course, true and one might argue, logical, there can be no denying that I deserve the money that you will inevitably give me. Public funds be damned, as a private citizen/entity, I want what I want and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

However, in order to make KathleenNOW a reality, you must first be willing to do several things for me (I mean, on top of the other things you are already doing.)

First, the City of Calgary must give me, no questions asked, the land owned by the city near Sunalta. I understand there have been some recent whispers regarding that land possibly being given to CalgaryNEXT, but I assure you I am a much better person to give it to. Secondly, that land must be decontaminated on the city’s bill. If this was going to happen for CalgaryNEXT anyway, I don’t see why it is a problem. Once decontamination is complete, the space will be cleared and filled with dirt, fertilizer, and wildflower seeds. Trees will be planted and community garden boxes will be set up. The space will become both a green space and a place for local artists to unveil and host their work. KathleenNOW is all about supporting the art community. It will be a peaceful space where one can go and contemplate their material-obsessed world. It will be green and fresh and easy on the eyes. There will be no tickets to pay for and no taxes for enjoyment of the area. KathleenNOW is very progressive like that.

On the other hand, maybe I’ll just build the KathleenNOW Aquarium and fill it to the brim with porpoises. Mother fucking porpoises are awesome.

The fact of the matter is that KathleenNOW is a much cheaper alternative to CalgaryNEXT. Along with being more efficient (NOW vs NEXT), it will cost next to nothing in the face of the extravagant bill that you, Mr. King, plans on handing to the people of Calgary.

Speaking of bills, I’ve had my people create this handy cost-benefit analysis as extra motivation towards giving me lots of money.

Most of my priorities in life revolve around porpoises. You might even say it is my... porpoise.
Most of my priorities in life revolve around porpoises. You might even say it is my… porpoise.

KathleenNOW is both today and tomorrow. KathleenNOW is here to support the future of Calgary, but also do stuff today, probably right now or soon after right now, whenever I can get around to it. Maybe after lunch.

The thing Calgarians need to ask themselves is “Is this any worse than being randomly taxed to build a stadium that I will probably never utilize?” as well as, “Will KathleenNOW benefit Calgary more than CalgaryNEXT?” The answer to your questions is no and yes. In that order. Trust me.

It might also be worth your time, as well as the time of every tax payer, to spend a few minutes watching this particularly well-timed piece by John Oliver over at Last Week Tonight.

Video currently unavailable. Thanks a lot, HBO.

Keep in mind, John Oliver was only talking about sports stadiums and certainly not blindly giving your money to a random citizen in your community who may or may not use it to amass an army of roaches that had been biologically engineered to survive being set on fire so they have the ability to destroy your enemies.

Clearly Youtube has failed me. KathleenNOW won’t fail YOU, however.

So, Mr. King, where can I send your bill?


Kathleen Sawisky, esq.

Integrity Commissioner

CEO KathleenNOW

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