An Open Letter to the Government Agent Who is Undoubtedly Investigating Me Right Now

Dear Government Agent Who Is Undoubtedly Investigating Me Right Now,

Before I start, let me say I love my country. A lot. I am very proud to be Canadian and I have zero qualms with Municipal, Provincial, or Federal politicians. I love being Canadian, I always pay my taxes, I love my free health care and roadways and public education. I don’t have any feelings one way or the other in regards to politics, religion, or people’s sexuality. Live and let live!

With that in mind, I can understand how questionable my recent Google searches must seem. Along with seeking out information on weaponized viruses, I have also begun to look up things like “How do bombs work?” and “How to make a pipe bomb” and “BOMBS????” I’ll be the first to admit it seems really, really bad, and if I were in your shoes my first instinct would be “Well, she’s getting arrested.”

I promise you there is a really good reason for me looking up absolutely awful things, like “types of guns used by special forces” and “terrorists” and “how to make butter milk”.

I hemmed and hawed over whether or not it would be a good idea to look those things up. For one thing, I have a brother in the military and I do not, under any circumstances, want to be doing anything that might inadvertently jeopardize his career. Further more, my husband is distinctly half-brownish, and while I’m not suggesting there is a… let’s say, tendency towards racism, I would hate to make any travelling we do more difficult on him simply because his very white wife decided to Google “Plastic explosives”.

A few fun facts about me:

  • I was raised Anglican
  • I love reading thrillers and suspense novels
  • I bake in my spare time
  • I have a crude sense of humor
  • I raise money for the local children’s hospital every year through Extra Life
  • I have never once been radicalized nor, I don’t think, ever been in contact with someone attempting to radicalize me, aside from this one guy  who, incidentally, I reported to the RCMP hotline because I love my country.

The last thing you should know, kind sir and/or madam, is that I write. I love to write. Fairly soon I will be publishing my debut novel. It’s in the hands of my editor right now in fact! So for the last six weeks I’ve been working on the plot of the second book in the series and while I had hoped to make it revolve around a virus, I found the science just didn’t work in my favor. Which leads us to this unfortunate situation. Yes, I decided to make it about an errant terrorist who likes big ol’ explosions. Of course, I quickly ran into a problem. Namely, I know absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing about how bombs work. I know they make explosions. That’s about as complex as my education in bombs goes. Am I saying the word ‘bomb’ too much? I probably am. I’ll stop.

You might have noticed, in performing the inevitable research you have done thus far, that I even made a Facebook post about the fact that I was deeply unsettled by the fact that I obviously need to do this research so the book is reasonably accurate, but I didn’t want to be put on any list. That is how concerned I was regarding my illicit Googling! Someone suggested the library which, yeah, in hindsight would have been the best option. You probably have all eyes on the library too.

You might be thinking here, “Okay, Ms. Sawisky, if that is indeed your name. Why go to so much effort to explain to us that you are in fact not up to no good and are really just some half-assed woman pretending to be a writer?”

Quite frankly, I needed another blog post, and in realizing that it is pretty easy to find me on Google now, I figured I’d take a chance and make a letter directly to you. To save your time! Because you don’t need to research me any more! Would a terrorist really be this gormless? Not a chance. (Although when you think about it, what a cover, right? Like, a terrorist who professes to not be a terrorist. It would make for some snappy television and…. and I’m not helping my case, am I?)

I know, I know. One internet post is hardly enough to convince you that I am not an evildoer, so if you’d like we can absolutely discuss this further. You can reach me at… Wait, what am I saying? You already know where I live, work, and what my phone number is. You probably have a list of my fears too. Joke is on you – I fear nothing! Except the retribution of the State. And also the fact that Donald Drumpf might become president.

Now, I’m going to go back to researching stuff about bombs. And before you ask, no I’m not going to put stuff about actual bomb making in the book. I’m not an idiot.  I just need to know, like, what would be left after a bomb explodes and what sort of stuff goes into bombs and… You know, stuff for character motivation. So I’ll go back to my research, and you can go back to combing my internet history. Give me a call if you have any questions. I promise I’ll take it seriously.

Sincerely,

Kathleen Sawisky, Esq.

Integrity Commissioner

PS: I really do love my country.

 

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