Open Letter, Random, Satire

An Open Letter to David’s Tea: “I Could Weep For Joy”

Sometimes I write open letters to people or things because I am bored or have something to say. This is one of those times.

Dear David’s Tea,

You and I have always gotten along, David’s Tea. This is a love-love relationship; I give you money, you give me copious amounts of delicious tea with which I may fill my belly and keep myself warm during these cold Canadian nights. Yes, David’s Tea. You are an anchor in my life, and have been since I first struggled, half dead from Teaopia deprivation, into one of your stores and begged for some quality earl grey. After your lovely employees helped me regain my strength I proceeded to buy pretty much everything I could get my hands on, which I suppose is a very good reason for you to keep your tea containers behind the counter. Thus began our illicit love affair. Oh tea. Tea, tea, tea.

I worked at Teaopia before it was appropriated by Teavana. Don’t get me started on Teavana. Too much fruit, not enough exploration into the creamy flavors. Teavana doesn’t take risks like you do, David’s Tea. But I digress. Teaopia was by far my favorite job ever, right next to that time I was paid by someone to follow them around with a boombox that played the Keystone Kops song on repeat. That was a pretty good job too.

I loved it because Teaopia had tea that wasn’t too complex, but there was enough variety to fulfill whatever needs an intrepid drinker might have. We were given tea on the cheap to drink and, thanks to my overindulgence I am no longer impacted by caffeine. It makes late night study sessions a trial. However, I recently discovered 5-Hour Energy Drinks so I guess it all worked out in the end (aside from the giant ulcer and the fact that if I go a half hour without a dose of 5-Hour I start to shout expletives at small children and chew the ends off of pens.)

One thing we loved to do at Teaopia was experiment by mixing teas and creating new blends that we could whisper into the ears of our customers. This was how I discovered my tea. I call it my tea because I was the only one that really took to it. Three levelled teaspoons of Mate Citrus Buzz. Half the amount of water, stepped the regular time (3-4 minutes). Matcha mixed with 8 oz of water, into the cup. Milk, frothed up. 2%. None of this soy nonsense people demand because they are “lactose intolerant” and “milk makes their stomachs hurt and gives them the drizzles.” Pfft. Give me a break.

Mix it all together in the cup, enjoy.

I called it “Kathleen’s Awesome Super Excellent Everything Tea” or KASEET, because why not?

Now, I discovered this particular recipe about six months into my one year term working at Teaopia, and it became my staple. It gave me energy, it was refreshing, I got matcha, I got calcium. It was pretty perfect. And then I left Teaopia to go back to school. When I did I bought a giant bag of Mate Citrus Buzz, a tin of Matcha, and prayed it would last me the year.

Then something awful happened. Teaopia was appropriated by Teavana and my Mate Citrus Buzz was on the chopping block.

Needless to say I bought as much as I could, consumed a solid portion before it went bad, and finally resigned myself to a life without KASEET because there was no possible way anything could possibly replace the glorious combo that I had discovered. It just wasn’t possible.

But as it turns out, all was not lost, David’s Tea. The other week my husband and I were in South Centre Mall in Calgary, wasting time. We stopped by your store because I am a woman of habit and if I don’t smell the teas available to me I generally start to feel very anxious. There was a combo pack, a summer-beat-the-blues sort of pack of teas which is, on a separate note, a brilliant idea because we are Canadians and 9 months of winter can really start to drill deep into a person’s sanity. There was a tea I didn’t recognize. Maybe you’ve had it forever and I just never noticed. Maybe it was new. I don’t know.

Main Squeeze. Okay, not ‘Citrus Buzz’, but the squeeze indicated the possibility that there was something citrusy about it, and both names have z’s so… That’s probably a good sign, right?

Oh, David’s Tea. I wish I could explain what I felt in that moment. It was like being transported into the past. I was reminded of the month that I was the acting manager of Teaopia. Of that time my co-worker decided to be a total asshat to me. Of the final days of summer as I prepared to reenter the world of full-time schooling.

All the memories enveloped in that single waft of tea. I had to have it.

I took my newly acquired tea home and carefully prepared Kathleen’s Awesome Super Excellent Everything Tea. It was delicious. It wasn’t perfect, mind you, a bit more orangey than Mate Citrus Buzz. I missed the familiar hint of lemon, but hell, beggers and choosers, am I right?

Thank you, David’s Tea, for Main Squeeze. You have brought joy back into the world of a semi-defeated 6th year University student who just wants to finish her darn degree and enter the workforce so she can afford Sailor Moon action figures. Fortunately for me, Main Squeeze is far more reasonably priced than Sailor Venus. So until then, here, take all my money and I will take all your Main Squeeze. It will continue to benefit us both.


Kathleen Sawisky, Esq.

Main Squeeze is available at David’s Tea, probably, for $6.75/50grams. It is delicious. Actually all their teas are delicious. Tea. Tea tea tea. Tea.

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