Andrew sent me this forward. I don't think I know Andrew. I know some Andrews but I don't think I know this one. Hi, Today—just one week before the Electoral College meets to formally elect our next president—a bipartisan group of electors sent a letter to the Director of National Intelligence James Clapper demanding an… Continue reading An Open Letter to Andrew, Who Wants Me to Sign a Petition
To the Whirlpool CEO, Jeff Fettig, Dear Sir, My recent experience with your Whirlpool W10219708A Compact Front Loading Automatic Washer has been, how to put it delicately, something of a bit of a joke. Were I a calm and reasonable person, I might describe it as mildly frustrating, perhaps even undesirable. Instead, I find that… Continue reading An Open Letter to Whirlpool CEO, Jeff Fettig
Dear Billy, While I appreciate your concern for my family life, I do not believe I actually require Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. I would, however, like my copy of A Monstrous Regiment of women and presumably [Redacted] of Toronto would very much like her 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Don't… Continue reading A Brief Open Letter to Billy of Billy’s Library
My Fellow Canadians, On the day of this, what is historically the most nauseatingly-propaganda filled election ever witnessed by this country, I would like to pre-emptively thank you for electing me as your new Prime Minister. I know it was a difficult decision, what with Tom Mulcair's excellent beard, Justin Trudeau's luscious locks, and whatever the… Continue reading An Open Letter to My Fellow Canadians: I am Your New Prime Minister
It’s becoming quite clear that I have numerous interesting neighbors. Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Hobgoblin Neighbor, Kudos, to you, o’ grotesque one. Your complete and utter disregard for the rest of us living in the condo is Bond Villain-esque! If Sean Bean had the cojones to act as you did, surely he would have survived… Continue reading An Open Letter to my Hobgoblin Neighbor
Dear Premier Notley, First, let me congratulate you on the NDP's stunning rise to power in Alberta. 40 years is too long to suffer through anything without seeing some change (and I say that almost completely without irony save for the little bit which, I assume, will become clear in the next few paragraphs.) I… Continue reading An Open Letter to Alberta Premier Rachel Notley
Dear Overly Passive Aggressive Neighbor, You’re upset. I get that. It’s tough living in a multi-family building, especially when you move in expecting ethereal peace and, I assume, the dulcet tones of Enya to wake you up in the morning. Obviously you missed the previous amendment to the condo regulations where it was stated that… Continue reading An Open Letter to My Overly Passive Aggressive Neighbor
Dear Ben and/or Jerry, Listen, I get it, guys. We are America’s hat. We live in a country that is under snow 95% of the year. The other 5% consists entirely of room temperature water hatching mosquitos. Sure, we’re the second largest country on earth, but I can appreciate why you might not view Canada… Continue reading An Open Letter to Ben & Jerry
The Languid Tale of Tina Louanne Sparkles There comes a moment when every person has to serve his or her country. Sometimes you are hired as an elected official, sometimes you join the military, and sometimes you waste the time of a person you presume might be trying to get your passport for illicit purposes.… Continue reading The Languid Tale of Tina Louanne Sparkles
Sharing a bed with someone is like a war that is fought entirely by special ops agents who act out in the most deviant ways possible. Their methods for gaining the upper hand are based around dirty tricks and propaganda delivered in nightly air raids. If you're lucky you have a larger military force on… Continue reading In Which a War is Waged
