Dear John Connolly, I'll be the first to admit, I should be busy reading A Time of Torment, which was just (mercifully) released in North America. There is a bonus working in a book store, even if it is a mass retailer. The moment I realized Torment was released I was able to leave our lunch room and… Continue reading An Open Letter to John Connolly
To the Whirlpool CEO, Jeff Fettig, Dear Sir, My recent experience with your Whirlpool W10219708A Compact Front Loading Automatic Washer has been, how to put it delicately, something of a bit of a joke. Were I a calm and reasonable person, I might describe it as mildly frustrating, perhaps even undesirable. Instead, I find that… Continue reading An Open Letter to Whirlpool CEO, Jeff Fettig
Sometimes I write open letters to people who annoy me. Sometimes I write letters to people who inspire me. Sometimes I write letters to my openly passive aggressive neighbours. Today's letter falls into column 'B'. Dear Mr. Hurwitz, Over ten years ago I managed to get my paws on a copy of The Kill Clause. I… Continue reading An Open Letter to Gregg Hurwitz “Thank you for the perpetual fear of mantoids”
Dear Billy, While I appreciate your concern for my family life, I do not believe I actually require Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. I would, however, like my copy of A Monstrous Regiment of women and presumably [Redacted] of Toronto would very much like her 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Don't… Continue reading A Brief Open Letter to Billy of Billy’s Library
Dear Government Agent Who Is Undoubtedly Investigating Me Right Now, Before I start, let me say I love my country. A lot. I am very proud to be Canadian and I have zero qualms with Municipal, Provincial, or Federal politicians. I love being Canadian, I always pay my taxes, I love my free health care… Continue reading An Open Letter to the Government Agent Who is Undoubtedly Investigating Me Right Now
An Open Letter to Our Scummy Neighbour (With sincerest apologies to those of you without scum) Congratulations on your brazen daylight heist. Your decision to steal a bike out of a locked parkade is remarkable given, and I can’t stress this enough, it is locked and only those who live in the building have access… Continue reading An Open Letter to Our Scummy Neighbour
Dear Kevin O'Leary, Listen, Kevin, we need to have a talk. No, I don't have a million dollars to offer you, and no, dinosaur soul juice does not flow through my veins, but I am an Albertan, so listen up. You need to stop. Stop. Stop, Kevin O'Leary. Stop talking. Go away. I will give… Continue reading An Open Letter to Kevin O’Leary: You’re making us O’Weary
Dear Awful, Absolutely Terrible Doctor, Bravo and congratulations! You, madam, have the healing prowess of a druid, or perhaps some sort of automaton. You have healed me of all which ails me. Goodbye chronic pain, hello bright, shiny new day without chronic pain. Except, wait, no. That's not right at all. No, sorry, what I… Continue reading An Open Letter to an Awful, Just Terrible, Doctor
My Fellow Canadians, On the day of this, what is historically the most nauseatingly-propaganda filled election ever witnessed by this country, I would like to pre-emptively thank you for electing me as your new Prime Minister. I know it was a difficult decision, what with Tom Mulcair's excellent beard, Justin Trudeau's luscious locks, and whatever the… Continue reading An Open Letter to My Fellow Canadians: I am Your New Prime Minister
It’s becoming quite clear that I have numerous interesting neighbors. Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Hobgoblin Neighbor, Kudos, to you, o’ grotesque one. Your complete and utter disregard for the rest of us living in the condo is Bond Villain-esque! If Sean Bean had the cojones to act as you did, surely he would have survived… Continue reading An Open Letter to my Hobgoblin Neighbor
The Code Series 