An Open Letter to Our Scummy Neighbour (With sincerest apologies to those of you without scum) Congratulations on your brazen daylight heist. Your decision to steal a bike out of a locked parkade is remarkable given, and I can’t stress this enough, it is locked and only those who live in the building have access… Continue reading An Open Letter to Our Scummy Neighbour
Dear Kevin O'Leary, Listen, Kevin, we need to have a talk. No, I don't have a million dollars to offer you, and no, dinosaur soul juice does not flow through my veins, but I am an Albertan, so listen up. You need to stop. Stop. Stop, Kevin O'Leary. Stop talking. Go away. I will give… Continue reading An Open Letter to Kevin O’Leary: You’re making us O’Weary
Dear Awful, Absolutely Terrible Doctor, Bravo and congratulations! You, madam, have the healing prowess of a druid, or perhaps some sort of automaton. You have healed me of all which ails me. Goodbye chronic pain, hello bright, shiny new day without chronic pain. Except, wait, no. That's not right at all. No, sorry, what I… Continue reading An Open Letter to an Awful, Just Terrible, Doctor
It’s becoming quite clear that I have numerous interesting neighbors. Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Hobgoblin Neighbor, Kudos, to you, o’ grotesque one. Your complete and utter disregard for the rest of us living in the condo is Bond Villain-esque! If Sean Bean had the cojones to act as you did, surely he would have survived… Continue reading An Open Letter to my Hobgoblin Neighbor
I've been in a writing slump lately. Fortunately, nothing inspires more than the rage that develops when my favorite television show is cancelled. An Open Letter to NBC, I want to be polite, I really do. I feel like I owe it to you for providing the world with… I don’t know, let’s say ten years of… Continue reading An Open Letter to NBC: “Alas, I have no more sarcastic slow-claps to give”
Dear Premier Notley, First, let me congratulate you on the NDP's stunning rise to power in Alberta. 40 years is too long to suffer through anything without seeing some change (and I say that almost completely without irony save for the little bit which, I assume, will become clear in the next few paragraphs.) I… Continue reading An Open Letter to Alberta Premier Rachel Notley
Dear Morons, I’m sorry, did that start a bit harsh? You’re probably right. How rude of me. Let’s try that again. Dear Human Filth, What, still too much? Bah, there’s no making some assholes happy, that’s for sure. Let’s just continue on. Dear Disgusting Representation of Mankind, It must be very hard for you, to… Continue reading An Open Letter to the People Criticizing Kristi Gordon of Global BC
Dear Whomever-the-Hell-is-in-Charge-(?)-of-Pretty-Little-Liars, Bravo. If I could convey a slow, unamused, snarky slow clap via the internet, that is precisely what you would be hearing right now. Bra-fucking-o. You did it. You got all of us. All of us who tune in weekly, most reluctantly, in the dim hope that this will be the week. This… Continue reading An Open Letter to Whomever the Hell is in Charge of Pretty Little Liars
Dear Ben and/or Jerry, Listen, I get it, guys. We are America’s hat. We live in a country that is under snow 95% of the year. The other 5% consists entirely of room temperature water hatching mosquitos. Sure, we’re the second largest country on earth, but I can appreciate why you might not view Canada… Continue reading An Open Letter to Ben & Jerry
An Open Letter to Jon Stewart: “Nuuuuuuuuhhh *helpless weeping*” Dear Jon Stewart, Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nu-uh. Nope. Honey bunches of nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Not possible. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no. Not happening, this is not happening. No, I refuse. Nope. No. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no,… Continue reading An Open Letter to Jon Stewart: “Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh nopenopenopenopenope”
The Code Series 